Dear Readers,
Thank you for your rapt attention to the state of affairs currently embroiling Jefferson City. As you may know, I might not have been quite so cooperative with the Federal Bureau of Investigation a while back, which may have been a mistake on my part. But I wish to give my side of the story, and to record my reactions for future documentarians.
The investigation related to a minor grievance, almost not worth mentioning. My felon friend Skip ‘Multiple Convictions’ Ohlsen had set up a bank account with false Social Security numbers to possibly fund a campaign committee that may or may not have been illegally designed to evade campaign finance laws in what might be considered by some parties an attempt to advance my election bid.
Mere trifles!
But the evil machinations of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Russ Carnahan) were set in motion, and here I am, chased from my home in a lamentable and Oscar-worthy fashion.
I wish to record, strictly as a hypothetical, and I make no suggestions, which celebrities I feel would most embody the roles played in these recent events, if for whatever reason they were to be reproduced as accurately as possible.
Me: Harrison Ford or Kurt Russell
My girlfriend: That hot chick from Transformers
My boyfriend: That guy from the movie 300 who kicks that other guy into a pit
Skip Ohlsen: Steve Buscemi
Russ Carnahan: That guy who played Darth Vader (the original one) and he has to wear the cape
The FBI Agent who chases me across the world and catches me: Tom Hanks
Sincerely,
Former Senator Jeff Smith
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