Date auctions can be a fun, great way to raise money for charitable causes. But why auction something you can’t even give away? Chris Benjamin, applying rigorous logical standards rarely seen outside the courtrooms of unqualified, partisan hack judges, has decided that if you put a price tag on something, somebody out there will be crazy enough to pay for it.
His only problem is that he's bad at filling out his dating profile. Before he goes back on the shelf permanently, we decided to offer some helpful tips for the ladies – it’s too bad we’re a decade late.
Age: 33
Recommendation: Lie. Nobody wants to hear the tick-tock of your biological clock.
Hobbies: Jogging, Biking, Hiking
Recommendation: These activities are too interesting and provocative. I suggest adding 'reading VCR manuals', 'mowing the lawn' and 'watching the History Channel'. If the not-so-subtle point is to hint at an active lifestyle, i'd add 'wailing on guitars' and 'drinking Capri Sun'.
Biggest Pet Peeve: Traffic Jam
Recommendation: Dictionaries. When someone asks you what your pet peeve is, don't talk about something that annoys everybody.
Guilty pleasure: Microbreweries
Recommendation: Why is this a guilty pleasure? What do you do to microbreweries, Mr. Benjamin?
Three adjectives to describe you: Thankful, Determined, Adaptable
Recommendation: Cut the charade - those three words are relationship synonyms for desperate, desperate, and having low standards.
Your “Theme” song that will get you motivated to strut your stuff for the ladies: "Lose Yourself" by Eminem
Recommendation: This is the one thing i'd keep. Nothing attracts ladies like a thirty three year old white guy driving a Honda and busting out Eminem.
I don't know Chris but from what I can see he's an extremely attractive guy who should be applauded for his willingness to take part in this event and raise money for a great cause. As a cancer survivor, I truly appreciate his willingness and support. Your attempt to make him look bad is a sign of your insecurities and desperation - not his!
Posted by: Amy Powell | July 30, 2009 at 02:17 PM
You should bid on him! I'm sure you don't know him.... whatever.
Posted by: Darren | July 30, 2009 at 04:14 PM
Let us know where he ranks amongst the bachelors as far as his "Final Price."
Posted by: John Sneed | July 31, 2009 at 11:23 AM